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LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE THREE PIGS

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of  the Three Little Pigs to her class.  She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "The pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit!  A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

ALCOHOL WARNING

MACHO MOUSE
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other
about how tough they are.The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it
off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it In my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies:
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going
for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third
mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

THE BRITISH BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while
photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species and or name you can't remember)
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the back and/or forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 15. WARNING: The consumption of
alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
16. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the
opposite sex without spitting.
17. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
20. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

TOP 30 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY
 
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13 Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: drive.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate.
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

BLACK OR WHITE
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God
about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't
understand what I am because God just said, 'You are what you are.'" The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, 'You is what you is.'"

THE QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY
JAY LENO:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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